Results Day

I wasn’t going to write anything about Results Day because I’m in a very conflicted state of mind about my grades.  In one sense, I’m ecstatic – I got into my first choice uni on a course that I’m incredibly excited to start – but Results Day just felt so underwhelming after 2 years of hard work.

Throughout Sixth Form I’ve had a lot of problems with teachers; a lot of the staff at my school were very unambitious and really didn’t push us at all.  One of my teachers was absent a lot (I mean, a lot) and in Year 12, I had 4 different teachers for English Language due to maternity leaves/new jobs etc.  So it’s safe to say the actual teaching of my A Levels was unbalanced, at the very least.  Me, and several other students raised concerns – our parents did too, since we were going home so stressed about effectively having to teach ourselves large portions of the syllabus – to the extent of going to see the headteacher and yet…nothing changed.

The reason I’m so disappointed with my grades (one in particular) is purely because of the sheer amount of effort I put into teaching myself effectively half of 3 A Levels (I will admit, some of my teachers were fantastic and so helpful, but others were the binary opposite).  I’m not writing this post as a sob story or as an excuse for why I maybe didn’t do as well as I could have done.  I know full well that there was nothing more I personally could have done to get better grades.  My grades aren’t even bad, they’re just not what I was expecting or hoping for, and they’re really not reflective of the amount of time and effort I put into them.

Anyway.  C’est la vie.  I was one mark off an A in English Literature so I’m trying to get that remarked (although my school is being very unhelpful and so the earliest my papers will actually be sent off to be remarked is 21st August, a full 6 days after Results Day).  I’d really been hoping for an A* in English Literature (and honestly, I kind of expected one – English has always been my strong subject, I’d received full marks in my coursework and I came out of the exams feeling relatively confident – which maybe shows I need to not expect things and not take things for granted!!) and I worked so hard for one, since I’m going to be doing a degree in it, but I just don’t feel like my work paid off.  A B is still a good grade and I’m happy that I got it as it’s still allowed me to get to where I want to go next year; it’s just the perfectionist in me wanted higher.

I got into my favourite uni though, so I’m not really sure how much that annoying little B matters.  Next month I’m going to be studying English Literature at the University of York, and I’m so excited.  I’m so grateful too, because I really thought I wouldn’t get on to the course – they ask for an A minimum in English Literature, so I think I’ve scraped through by the skin of my teeth.  I’m worried I’m going to feel like an impostor because of this, even though I know I’m perfectly capable (I was only a mark off an A, after all) but I think when I meet new people who’ve all got As and A*s, I think I’ll be left feeling a little inferior.

** I want to add a little disclaimer before I end this post.  I’m well aware that the grades I received are good grades and by saying I’m unhappy with what I got, in no way am I trying to diminish their value.  I am a perfectionist, always have been and I’m fairly sure I always will be, and I’ve always set my hopes on being the best and getting the best grades etc.  Additionally, with the struggle of having to self-teach a big chunk of my A Levels, I feel annoyed at myself for not having been able to do a better job at teaching (which is ridiculous because it shouldn’t have been almost completely down to me in the first place) but there we are.  I think essentially, I’m greedy with perfectionism – I knew all along that if I didn’t get 3 a*s I’d be disappointed, but I also can’t really blame myself, because the teaching standards at my school honestly were shambolic.**

I hope this makes sense – I feel like I’ve rambled on a bit.  Whilst I feel like I could have (and maybe should have) done better, there was no way physically or mentally I could have done more revision, so at the very least I’m satisfied that I gave A Levels my best shot despite the numerous hurdles and proud that the grades I got are very good regardless.  I’m going to uni next month and I genuinely can’t wait, so I’m going to just try to forget about the monumental pain in the arse A Levels were and move on to bigger and better things (first class degree, here I come ;)…)

I hope if you got your results they were what you wanted! And even if they weren’t, like me you’ll end up where you’re meant to go anyway.  Maybe the most important thing A Levels have taught me is that education is crucial, but grades aren’t the be-all and end-all – the people around you and your own goals and ambitions are 🙂

 

in limbo

I was talking to one of my best friends about the strangeness of the period of time between the end of Sixth Form and the beginning of uni, and that conversation made me realise how displaced I feel at the moment. Partly it’s due to waiting sooo long for summer, and now it’s here it feels kind of underwhelming – although I’ll explain that later. I feel as though I’m just waiting now for the next stage; Results Day and uni.

Towards the end of A Levels, the thought of 4 months off education seemed like such a fab reward for all of the stress and effort over the last few years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying summer and trying to make the most of it, but it just feels so temporary, and regardless of what I’m doing or who I’m with, there’s always the slight worry about the future. I can’t stop thinking about how transient this period is and how quickly it’ll be over, which often then initiates an existential crisis as I’m not focusing on the things I want to do – instead, I’m thinking about the future.

As well, I genuinely don’t know what grades I’ll have got in my exams. Sometimes after an exam, you know for certain that it went really well – none of mine did. They were all good but I don’t feel like any of them were outstanding. In my head, at the end of September I’ll be starting at the University of York, but even that is possibly not going to happen. It feels like I’m just waiting for something, but I’m not even sure what that something is because, until Results Day, I have no firm idea of where I’m going to be spending the next 3 years of my life.

As I mentioned before, summer has been underwhelming in some aspects so far. After the initial novelty, I realised I needed a job quite desperately to be able to afford any of the things I have planned with my friends. But even when I’m with my friends, it’s like there’s an egg-timer constantly running in the background. I’m also in a transitional stage avec boys and relationships and all that fun stuff. I really like someone but I’m not sure what his intentions are – I don’t know whether he wants a full-on relationship or just a bit of fun over summer, y’know (that sounds so gross and crude and cringey, but hopefully you get my point!)

I think I’ve outgrown my house and definitely I’ve outgrown my town. I’ve lived here for 18 years now and I’m ready for a change, but equally that change is going to signify the beginning of The Rest Of My Life and that’s a scary (but somewhat welcome and relieving) thought.

I don’t really know what I’m getting at by writing this post. I feel really lost. I don’t even really enjoy writing at the moment, hence the lack of blog posts. I just feel like I’m kind of -existing- and that’s it. I’m just waiting for the next chapter to start. I am having fun, but also it feels artificial in a way, kind of forced – it’s just a way of killing time before uni. Writing that last sentence is such a depressing thought but that’s honestly how it feels – I’m just in limbo, waiting for Results Day, really.

The book club

peep the exam timetable…bleurrghh

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a couple of weeks now, but school is so busy and the very little free time I have at the mo is spent trying to relax, not focusing on blogging/social media. Yesterday though I decided enough was enough – I can only abandon my blog for so long without beginning to feel guilty about the lack of content haha, so here we are.

I’m going to be discussing a few of the books I’ve read recently so I think I’ll start off with my least favourite – although when I say least favourite, I don’t mean that I disliked it. Call Me By Your Name has such a hype around it, but honestly…I was disappointed?? I know I’ve said this before, but I think because everybody seemed to fall head over heels for it (and Timothee Chalamet) I also expected to fall completely in love with it. Don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy it and I’m going to watch the film soon, plus it’s inspired me to go and live in Italy for a summer in the hope of meeting someone like Oliver but…out of everything I’ve read recently, it would probably be at the bottom of my to-read-again pile.

Moving from left to right, I read A Woman of No Importance by Oscar Wilde because I went to see a screening of it at the cinema with my friends (although long story short I never actually got the see it because the file corrupted). I loved the sense of glamour and mystery throughout (typical Wilde, am I right) and I’m really excited to read some more of his plays – I bought the collection of his plays in Oxfam for £2, winner!! And speaking of Oscar Wilde, I’ve also been reading more of his short stories although I’m sort of struggling with them. They’re like nursery rhymes in book form, so there’s no real plot to a lot of them which makes them quite relaxing to read, but also (dare I say it?!) kind of boring in parts. Uh huh. Yep. I just called classic literature boring. I’m ashamed of myself too, dw. I’m going to start Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime soon though, which I’m hoping will have more of a plotline to it, so I’ll let you know how I get on with that.

For my English Lit A Level I Study A Streetcar Named Desire so, since exams are looming upon us, I thought I should probably reread it. I know I’ve spoken about if before on my blog so I’m not going to go into masses of detail, but even though I’ve read it 3 or 4 times now, I still truly love it and on each reread I find something new/interesting to consider.

On the American Lit theme, I recently read Breakfast at Tiffany’s which I honestly read in about 2 hours: it just gripped me (and I’ll take any excuse not to revise). It reminded me a lot of The Great Gatsby with its materialistic society and flawed/false identities and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it – although I really want to know the cat’s name haha.

And finally… White Teeth. Eleanor and Lucy both suggested I read it and I saw that it’s on one of the modules I’ll be taking at uni so I thought I’d give it a go. I loved it!! I found the concept of trying to uphold your roots really interesting, maybe because it’s something that I’m unfamiliar with (SPOILERS AHEAD: what I mean here is, I was born in England to an English family and apart from holidays abroad and travelling, I’ve only really been exposed to one culture, whereas White Teeth follows the journey of migrants settling into England whilst trying to uphold the beliefs/ideals of their old country which starkly contrast to English ideals.) I think I read White Teeth at the perfect time really; what with the “migrant crisis” (crisis yikes I hate that phrase so much) and increasing numbers of wars and conflicts and terrorist attacks, it felt very poignant and applicable throughout.

In terms of what I’m reading now, I currently have 2 books on the go – One Day by David Nicholls and Cherry Crush by Cathy Cassidy. Yep, you read that right, a (hopefully) soon-to-be English Lit uni student is reading a 9 year old’s book. I’m having another declutter and Cherry Crush is on the ‘donate to charity’ pile, but when I was younger it was my favourite book so I didn’t want to get rid of it without reading it again.

I’m also supposedly on a book ban, however in the last month or so I may or may not have bought 6 books. I have mixed feelings because I know that I will read them and I’ll enjoy reading them, but at the moment I just don’t have time and it’s frustrating to see so many unread books on my shelves. Plus, I’m meant to be saving money for uni and summer but… oh well! I’m obsessed.

What are you currently reading? And what are you planning to read next? I hope everybody’s well, and have a lovely week xx

bullet journal – feb 19

Given that it’s the third day of February today, I feel like I’ve kind of missed the bandwagon of ‘new year new me’ posts, but this year (for this first time ever) I’m going to be using a bullet journal and I’m still excited about it.

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of a bullet journal (or bujo), it’s a form of journal that helps you to track the past, the present and the future. The main reasons I decided to start a bullet journal were so that I could have a place to plan effectively but creatively, and to improve myself and my life by tracking my habits, study time etc.

I’m using the Leuchtturm1917 in navy this year – I don’t know why, but recently I’ve fallen in love with navy (just look at that chipped nail varnish!). The book itself is a really beautiful colour, the quality feels great and so far I’m loving having a way of being productive whilst also being creative, so despite the (hefty) price tag, I definitely think it was worth the investment.

On the very first page, I have my name, my contact details and a little illustration of the moon and some stars. I still haven’t filled out the index but to be honest, I don’t think I will either – so far I haven’t needed it, so I’ll probably just leave it. On the following page I wrote ‘twenty nineteen’, using my pastel green Stabilo highlighter and black Muji gel pen. Although it’s really minimal and simplistic, I think it sets the year up nicely – it looks calm and chill, which is the vibe I’m hoping to take with me throughout this year 😉

Carrying on with the minimalistic theme, I simply wrote out all of the days and dates of the year. Again, I used my Muji pen and a Stabilo highlighter, just to add some definition to the days of the week. For my ‘future log’, I wanted something really simple that I could just glance at and know instantly what I’m doing that month, so I basically just have 4 boxes on each page, 1 for each month, and this section goes over 3 pages. I also have a page dedicated to accomplishments I made in 2018 and resolutions for this year, which I like a lot. I’ve found it to be motivating and kind of inspiring: seeing what you’ve achieved previously and what you aim to do this year puts things back into perspective and makes you refocus on your goals.

Being an English Lit student, I had to have somewhere to write down all the books I intend to read. I drew four lines across the page (although you can only see 3 in the photo) and then drew all the books and added a few little plant illustrations. As I read each book I’m planning to colour in the spine of the illustration, as I have done with The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Hopefully by the end of this year, this page will be filled with colours.

I’m always listening to music – it’s such a big part of my life, it’s how I relax, and I love how a certain song can take you back to a certain point in your life. Hence why I have a page dedicated to my favourite songs each month. I was very lucky to see The Wombats in January, whose music I’ve loved for a very long time, so I felt it was only right to honour that by putting my favourite of their songs down.

Ok…now here’s the fun bit of my bujo 😦 my exam tracker page! I’m not a huge fan of the layout of this page if I’m being honest; it looks a bit of a mess so I might try and fix it at some point. However, I felt it was vital to have a page which tracks not just external exams but also mocks, in-class assessments etc, because I do tend to forget dates unless I have them written down (and then, I forget to revise). Also, by having an overview of each month, I can reassure myself that ‘oh, it’s fine I’ve still got three months until A Levels’!

I have a page at the end of my weekly spreads which is dedicated to music again, as well as highlights of the month. I think this brings a nice sense of closure, almost, to the month – it’s a little reflection of what you’ve done, what you’ve been listening to, where you are in life. As of yet I’ve not completely finished this page (I have more than 2 highlights in an entire month, don’t worry) but I’ll be incorporating this structure into future months too.

My February spread looks like this. I wonder if you can tell where I made a mistake? I’ll give you a hint – the tape has something to do with it, I used it as a way of covering up the mistake 😂 gotta work with what you have! If you make a mistake, just try and intertwine it into your design, and pretend it was intentional 😉 the joy of bullet journaling is you can experiment with different layouts, colour schemes etc, and if you don’t like it then you can just change it the next week/month. As well as a general month overview, I also have the days and dates of March written down, a to-do list, a place to write goals and then also an area to write the key dates and events of March in (which so far is empty lol), so that I know what’s coming up soon. This month I went with a purple and silver theme, using Muji pens, Stabilo highlighters, Stabilo fineliners and some metallic brush pens.

And finally, a weekly spread. So far, this is my favourite layout for a week; each box is large enough to fit a hefty to-do list in, and I can fit all of my habits/spends/study time/screen times at the bottom too. Last month I had a separate page to record all of my habits and my budget but I found that quite often I’d forget to look for it, whereas I’m much more likely to see it when it’s on my weekly spread because I try to plan the day ahead the night before, so I can fill it in then.

I have various habits which I’m (still) trying to instil on my life and I find using a tracker is a really good way of seeing how well I’m doing and where I can improve. A lot of my habits link to my new year’s resolutions: for example, I’m trying to turn off all screens by 9.30pm and go running more. I also am trying to save up money for summer and uni and having a place where I can track what I’m spending is helping me a lot with this. It’s making me come to terms with the ridiculous amount of money I spend on food and books, so now I’m much more aware of where I need to cut down 😂

Do you have a bullet journal? If so, how are you finding it? If you’ve written any posts about your bujo, please leave the link below because I’m always looking out for new inspiration.

Cara xx

The Book Club

Since the start of term, I seem to have been busy non-stop – although I couldn’t actually tell you what I’ve been busy with to be honest, because I don’t seem to have done much of the pile of schoolwork that I need to do. Which is slightly worrying, to say the least.

In terms of what I’ve been reading lately, I was given a few books for Christmas so I’ve started them. First of all I read The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle. As I was reading it I was trying to figure out what it reminded me of, and I think I’ve decided it’s a mixture of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Groundhog Day and Cluedo. There’s just one narrator who’s trying to solve the mystery of who killed Evelyn, but he inhabits several different bodies of guests at a party and although he becomes different people, he lives out the same day, over and over again, in these different bodies. It’s really quite confusing and there were a few points where I just had to stop and think for a sec because I couldn’t quite figure out how he knew what he did. If you’ve read Seven Deaths, let me know what you thought of it – I really couldn’t shake off the Harry Potter Time-Turner vibes, and being set at a party in a huge old mansion made it feel like a big game of Cluedo.

I bought The Perks of Being a Wallflower in my post-Christmas book frenzy (I bought 16 books in 2 weeks #obsessed). Have you ever had that thing where a memory suddenly comes to you, completely out of the blue? I had that. I realised that for my 10th or 11th birthday, I’d received the film of The Perks of Being a Wallflower because I’d just discovered Harry Potter and fallen in love with Emma Watson. I remembered watching the first couple of minutes and then having my parents abruptly switch the TV off because apparently at the time I was ‘too young’ to watch it. Anyway, this all really randomly just popped into my head, so I decided to buy the book and at some point I’ll try and root out the DVD from somewhere in my family’s collection, and (finally) watch it.

I really enjoyed reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Even though some parts were dark and the themes throughout are hard-hitting, I loved the narration and it reminded me a lot of Catcher in the Rye which is one of my favourite books. I wish I’d been introduced to it earlier, but hey 😂

My friends and I booked tickets to see A Woman of No Importance, so I read the play beforehand to get to grips with the plot. I’m writing this on the night I was meant to see the play, but unfortunately it was cancelled which I’m actually really sad about. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading the play and, as my introduction to Wilde’s plays, I’m excited to read more.

I was also bought the collective book of Oscar Wilde’s short fiction for Christmas (a fab present) which I’ve been reading before I go to sleep. A lot of the stories are fairy tales so they’re really quite relaxing to read after a long, hard day at school lol. I admire Wilde’s talent of summing up humanity and our characteristics so succinctly into one sentence, and there are many such quotes peppered through the stories I’ve read so far. I particularly liked The Portrait of Mr W.H. because 1) there were several quotes that I recognised from The Picture of Dorian Gray, 2) it taught me a lot about Shakespeare’s sonnets and 3) the plot within the plot was a v intriguing technique. 10/10 would recommend any of Wilde’s work.

September + October book club

Since going back to school in September, reading (unfortunately) has taken a step back – as much as I love it I just find it hard sometimes to sit down and read because I’m always thinking of school! Over the course of the next few months, my book club posts are going to become much more sporadic: instead of posting a bimonthly round-up of everything I’ve read, I’ll probably wait until I have 5 or 6 books to talk about which, judging by how little I’ve read recently, will be around every 3 to 4 months.

I was talking to my English Language teacher about dystopian fiction and how much I love it and she recommended me a book called Station Eleven which I hadn’t heard of. I told her I’d look into it because her summary of it sounded really interesting. I forgot to look actually, but I’m glad about that because in my next lesson with her she’d bought it for me! *cue heart melting* I really really enjoyed reading Station Eleven; there are several different viewpoints and settings which the narrative flicks between, and you’re left trying to figure out how all of the characters interconnect which I love! I won’t give away many spoilers, but around the time that I started reading it a plane was put into quarantine, and I was genuinely so immersed in the story that I thought it had started to come to life (a scary thought, huh).

Talking of scary, I also read We Need to Talk About Kevin. I never usually say this about books, but I hated it. I really and truly hated it. I didn’t connect to any of the characters – not even cute lil Cecelia – and I disliked the whole plot line; you know from the outset that something awful is going to happen, but you have to read alllll the way to the end to find out what it is. Parts made me feel physically sick, such as when Kevin is in the bathroom with the door deliberately left open and his mother can see everything – I won’t go into much more detail, reader, but if you fancy a disturbing read, I recommend. Personally though, I won’t be returning in a hurry 😅

After my draining experience with We Need to Talk About Kevin I decided to relieve my brain a little, so I started Bridget Jones’s Diary. Again, this is unusual, but I preferred the film to the book! Maybe it was the winning combo of Hugh Grant and Colin Firth…who knows? 😉

Finally, I’ve read The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson, because I again just wanted something lighthearted. I hadn’t actually read the cover before I started but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it – I’d bought it spontaneously after seeing it for £1 in a charity shop, I hadn’t been specifically looking to buy and read it. That said, I’ve read one of Nelson’s other books and enjoyed that, so I don’t know why I had low expectations – overall though, it was a cute story (if a little weird in parts haha, I’m looking at you Lennie + Toby!)

Currently I’m reading Jane Eyre which I love: I remember, when I was 7 or 8, my mum read it aloud to me because I loved everything about learning and education and Jane is a governess, but I haven’t read it since then and suddenly got the urge.

Have a lovely rest of the week x

(PS – unusually, there are no photos for this post: my apologies!! I’m at school for most of the day everyday and before I leave for school, it’s too dark to take photos. When I come back, the light isn’t great – so enjoy an unrelated photo, plonked in the middle of his post! #makingthebestofthings)

(PPS – I’ve been put through to the second round of the UK Blog Awards, which is SO exciting!! I’ll leave links on all my social media accounts so that you can vote for me if you’d like to – if you do, I’ll be forever grateful! Although I don’t expect to win anything, even to have gone to the second round is such a privilege ❤️❤️)

November Goals

I honestly do not know where 2018 has gone. We have 2 months left before 2019 which is probably going one of the biggest years of my life so far, and that’s terrifying.

On that note, I thought today would be as good a day as any to set some last minute New Year’s resolutions.

Numero uno: I really want to focus on not making things into an (unnecessarily) big deal. I mentioned this on twitter a few days ago – I build stuff up into a huge insurmountable task that can never be completed which then stresses me out completely. But school isn’t like that, and neither is life; everything is achievable.

Two: my time management is getting better, but it needs to be better still. I’m so so so guilty of requiring a break after doing literally anything – I’ll do an hour’s work, then allow myself 3 hours rest 😂 and similarly, if I know I’ve got plans for the day I’ll immediately write the whole day off an unproductive. I desperately need to fix this (I’m getting better at it too) so that’s going to be a focus on mine for the remainder of this year and next.

Three: save some money!!! I have spent a ridiculous amount of money recently, but *please* let’s not talk about that.

Four: upload on my blog weekly – let’s see how that goes, hm! I’ve been saying this all year, but now I really want to focus on keeping the quality (?) content coming. Especially since before long, my life will have succumbed to revision so I want to make sure I have everything prepared for my (inevitable) break in spring.

I know this has just been a little post but I hope you’ve enjoyed it regardless! I love taking time to reflect on my goals, seeing what I have and haven’t met, as it just helps me to realign my priorities. Have you met your New Year’s resolutions, or are you setting a few more now like me? 😉