“i’m fine”

There’s a saying that bad things come in threes and if that’s the case, I’ve been hit twice over recently. I’m full to bursting point with emotions, so much so that I’ve not quite come to terms yet with how I actually feel. All I know is that I’ve been experiencing a sort of emptiness lately.

I’m not going to go into what’s been going in a lot of detail because a) is anyone that bothered really? Everyone has their own issues and me offloading mine onto you probably isn’t going to help much, and b) some of it is personal to me and my family. Several (quite frankly) shiz things have happened, all in close proximity to one another and I’ve been struggling a lot, especially in the last few days, with accepting change and moving on.

I’m going to call the title of this post “I’m fine” because that’s the main reason I’m writing this. As soon as anyone asks me how I am, I’ll automatically answer I’m fine, even when I’m so far from it and I think this is applicable to a lot of people. I’d so much rather cry on my own, tucked up in bed with all the lights off, than admit to someone that I’m not alright (precisely what I’ve been doing lately). We all seem to bottle up our issues which perpetuates them, making them much worse.

Admitting you’re not happy at the moment is the first step to things improving. When I say that, I don’t necessarily mean even admitting it to others; just acknowledging how you’re feeling is progress. I always project this persona of being completely happy with myself, my life and everything and everyone around me, both online and offline, and subconsciously I begin to believe this is the truth. Keeping in tune with your emotions and allowing yourself to feel them is so, so vital. You won’t always be happy and that’s absolutely OK. Take the evening off and relax, do something you enjoy.

Furthermore, invalidating how you’re feeling is as equally damaging as ignoring your feelings. Questioning why you’re so bothered about something is a sign of your passion, and we need to stop misinterpreting that as a sign of weakness.

Follow my Twitter for some truly inspirational content 😉

We have to learn to accept bad days, bad weeks even, but as humans we have a tendency to let a bad day or week dwell on our mind. Don’t let negative emotions characterise and define a period of your life. Life is really, really hard sometimes but your mindset is so important. There are always positives to be taken out of a negative time. I promise. Sometimes, you just have to look a little harder than normal.

Talk to people. Vent your frustrations at your friends or, if you’re not comfortable with that, write it down. Journal. Open an anonymous twitter account and let everything out. I can’t stress enough how cathartic I find writing – there’s something about seeing your thoughts written down on paper that completely calms the mind. Life feels a lot more manageable that way, when you’re not lugging around conflicting thoughts and emotions.

Have a look on Spotify too, and flick through some of their ready-made playlists. Belt out some Adele or do some crazy head-banging to a rock playlist. It helps (trust me!) and when you hear someone voicing exactly how you’re feeling, you feel less alone. It’s comforting, knowing that you’re not the only person to have ever had their heart broken 😉

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak recently but yesterday it really dawned on me that I’m sad…about a boy. Then I realised, if somebody doesn’t like me for who I am then, ya know, it wasn’t going to work out anyway so it’s probably for the best (even if, right now, it feels like the end of the world). Better things (and people!) will come out of it. I can’t emphasise this enough: you are enough on your own – you shouldn’t need anybody else to be comfortable and happy with yourself. Boys/girls will come and go in your life, and whilst it is hard to accept moving on at the time, better people are on their way. And in the meantime, enjoy the single life! Be happy with your own company! Take yourself out for a meal! At the end of the day, you’re the only person who will stay with you throughout your life, so you might as well be happy 😉

I wrote most of this post yesterday. I was in quite a good headspace – things felt like they’d finally clicked into place. Whilst I’m still a lil bit sad, I’m well aware that things are going to improve, and quickly – you just have to believe that the bad phases of life are only temporary (because they are!). Have hope x

bullet journal – feb 19

Given that it’s the third day of February today, I feel like I’ve kind of missed the bandwagon of ‘new year new me’ posts, but this year (for this first time ever) I’m going to be using a bullet journal and I’m still excited about it.

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of a bullet journal (or bujo), it’s a form of journal that helps you to track the past, the present and the future. The main reasons I decided to start a bullet journal were so that I could have a place to plan effectively but creatively, and to improve myself and my life by tracking my habits, study time etc.

I’m using the Leuchtturm1917 in navy this year – I don’t know why, but recently I’ve fallen in love with navy (just look at that chipped nail varnish!). The book itself is a really beautiful colour, the quality feels great and so far I’m loving having a way of being productive whilst also being creative, so despite the (hefty) price tag, I definitely think it was worth the investment.

On the very first page, I have my name, my contact details and a little illustration of the moon and some stars. I still haven’t filled out the index but to be honest, I don’t think I will either – so far I haven’t needed it, so I’ll probably just leave it. On the following page I wrote ‘twenty nineteen’, using my pastel green Stabilo highlighter and black Muji gel pen. Although it’s really minimal and simplistic, I think it sets the year up nicely – it looks calm and chill, which is the vibe I’m hoping to take with me throughout this year 😉

Carrying on with the minimalistic theme, I simply wrote out all of the days and dates of the year. Again, I used my Muji pen and a Stabilo highlighter, just to add some definition to the days of the week. For my ‘future log’, I wanted something really simple that I could just glance at and know instantly what I’m doing that month, so I basically just have 4 boxes on each page, 1 for each month, and this section goes over 3 pages. I also have a page dedicated to accomplishments I made in 2018 and resolutions for this year, which I like a lot. I’ve found it to be motivating and kind of inspiring: seeing what you’ve achieved previously and what you aim to do this year puts things back into perspective and makes you refocus on your goals.

Being an English Lit student, I had to have somewhere to write down all the books I intend to read. I drew four lines across the page (although you can only see 3 in the photo) and then drew all the books and added a few little plant illustrations. As I read each book I’m planning to colour in the spine of the illustration, as I have done with The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Hopefully by the end of this year, this page will be filled with colours.

I’m always listening to music – it’s such a big part of my life, it’s how I relax, and I love how a certain song can take you back to a certain point in your life. Hence why I have a page dedicated to my favourite songs each month. I was very lucky to see The Wombats in January, whose music I’ve loved for a very long time, so I felt it was only right to honour that by putting my favourite of their songs down.

Ok…now here’s the fun bit of my bujo 😦 my exam tracker page! I’m not a huge fan of the layout of this page if I’m being honest; it looks a bit of a mess so I might try and fix it at some point. However, I felt it was vital to have a page which tracks not just external exams but also mocks, in-class assessments etc, because I do tend to forget dates unless I have them written down (and then, I forget to revise). Also, by having an overview of each month, I can reassure myself that ‘oh, it’s fine I’ve still got three months until A Levels’!

I have a page at the end of my weekly spreads which is dedicated to music again, as well as highlights of the month. I think this brings a nice sense of closure, almost, to the month – it’s a little reflection of what you’ve done, what you’ve been listening to, where you are in life. As of yet I’ve not completely finished this page (I have more than 2 highlights in an entire month, don’t worry) but I’ll be incorporating this structure into future months too.

My February spread looks like this. I wonder if you can tell where I made a mistake? I’ll give you a hint – the tape has something to do with it, I used it as a way of covering up the mistake 😂 gotta work with what you have! If you make a mistake, just try and intertwine it into your design, and pretend it was intentional 😉 the joy of bullet journaling is you can experiment with different layouts, colour schemes etc, and if you don’t like it then you can just change it the next week/month. As well as a general month overview, I also have the days and dates of March written down, a to-do list, a place to write goals and then also an area to write the key dates and events of March in (which so far is empty lol), so that I know what’s coming up soon. This month I went with a purple and silver theme, using Muji pens, Stabilo highlighters, Stabilo fineliners and some metallic brush pens.

And finally, a weekly spread. So far, this is my favourite layout for a week; each box is large enough to fit a hefty to-do list in, and I can fit all of my habits/spends/study time/screen times at the bottom too. Last month I had a separate page to record all of my habits and my budget but I found that quite often I’d forget to look for it, whereas I’m much more likely to see it when it’s on my weekly spread because I try to plan the day ahead the night before, so I can fill it in then.

I have various habits which I’m (still) trying to instil on my life and I find using a tracker is a really good way of seeing how well I’m doing and where I can improve. A lot of my habits link to my new year’s resolutions: for example, I’m trying to turn off all screens by 9.30pm and go running more. I also am trying to save up money for summer and uni and having a place where I can track what I’m spending is helping me a lot with this. It’s making me come to terms with the ridiculous amount of money I spend on food and books, so now I’m much more aware of where I need to cut down 😂

Do you have a bullet journal? If so, how are you finding it? If you’ve written any posts about your bujo, please leave the link below because I’m always looking out for new inspiration.

Cara xx

The Book Club

Since the start of term, I seem to have been busy non-stop – although I couldn’t actually tell you what I’ve been busy with to be honest, because I don’t seem to have done much of the pile of schoolwork that I need to do. Which is slightly worrying, to say the least.

In terms of what I’ve been reading lately, I was given a few books for Christmas so I’ve started them. First of all I read The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle. As I was reading it I was trying to figure out what it reminded me of, and I think I’ve decided it’s a mixture of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Groundhog Day and Cluedo. There’s just one narrator who’s trying to solve the mystery of who killed Evelyn, but he inhabits several different bodies of guests at a party and although he becomes different people, he lives out the same day, over and over again, in these different bodies. It’s really quite confusing and there were a few points where I just had to stop and think for a sec because I couldn’t quite figure out how he knew what he did. If you’ve read Seven Deaths, let me know what you thought of it – I really couldn’t shake off the Harry Potter Time-Turner vibes, and being set at a party in a huge old mansion made it feel like a big game of Cluedo.

I bought The Perks of Being a Wallflower in my post-Christmas book frenzy (I bought 16 books in 2 weeks #obsessed). Have you ever had that thing where a memory suddenly comes to you, completely out of the blue? I had that. I realised that for my 10th or 11th birthday, I’d received the film of The Perks of Being a Wallflower because I’d just discovered Harry Potter and fallen in love with Emma Watson. I remembered watching the first couple of minutes and then having my parents abruptly switch the TV off because apparently at the time I was ‘too young’ to watch it. Anyway, this all really randomly just popped into my head, so I decided to buy the book and at some point I’ll try and root out the DVD from somewhere in my family’s collection, and (finally) watch it.

I really enjoyed reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Even though some parts were dark and the themes throughout are hard-hitting, I loved the narration and it reminded me a lot of Catcher in the Rye which is one of my favourite books. I wish I’d been introduced to it earlier, but hey 😂

My friends and I booked tickets to see A Woman of No Importance, so I read the play beforehand to get to grips with the plot. I’m writing this on the night I was meant to see the play, but unfortunately it was cancelled which I’m actually really sad about. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading the play and, as my introduction to Wilde’s plays, I’m excited to read more.

I was also bought the collective book of Oscar Wilde’s short fiction for Christmas (a fab present) which I’ve been reading before I go to sleep. A lot of the stories are fairy tales so they’re really quite relaxing to read after a long, hard day at school lol. I admire Wilde’s talent of summing up humanity and our characteristics so succinctly into one sentence, and there are many such quotes peppered through the stories I’ve read so far. I particularly liked The Portrait of Mr W.H. because 1) there were several quotes that I recognised from The Picture of Dorian Gray, 2) it taught me a lot about Shakespeare’s sonnets and 3) the plot within the plot was a v intriguing technique. 10/10 would recommend any of Wilde’s work.

fulfilling your dreams (or…not)

A few points I just want to say too:

  • Firstly I hope this post is actually legible – thank you Eleanor for giving me the idea to handwrite posts, genius!!
  • In no way am I saying Cambridge isn’t the right choice of uni for anyone – for me at this particular moment in time, I don’t feel it’s right. You don’t have to follow what you once dreamed of doing.
  • Dreams can change. I am ridiculously excited to go to York, something that, one year ago today, I wouldn’t have thought I’d be saying. Everything seems perfect. Your dreams and desires change as you do, and that’s good. So, in a way, I did get into my dream uni: it’s just not the uni that I used to think was my dream.
  • Thank you so so much to everyone who congratulated me/wished me luck – even though I kind of knew I wasn’t going to interview, your support honestly made me cry ❤️
  • I’m going to put York as my firm choice uni, and the offer is AAB which hopefully is achievable. My second choice is Nottingham but my offer there is AAA, so I’m not sure if I’ll actually put it down as my insurance, because if I don’t get the grades for York, I certainly won’t have for Nottingham!

2018 – what I’ve loved, learned, done and become

I say it every year, and today is going to be no different – this year has been easily one of the best of my life.

2018 has been packed full of adventures, achievements and amazing memories. I always feel really sentimental at the end of the year; I’m lucky to lead an incredibly privileged and exciting life and I feel so grateful for all of the experiences I’ve had.

What I’ve loved in 2018

I feel like this year was my “year of realising things”, in the words of Kylie. Particularly with regards to my taste in music, I’ve found the artists and genres I love, whereas in previous years some of what I “liked” stemmed from what was cool to like. One thing I have loved is this year I finally gave in to a free trial of Spotify Premium, and I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly I became dependent on it! I’ve discovered Jorja Smith and Rex Orange County (both of whom I now ADORE) through using Spotify premium (honestly I don’t know how I’ve not discovered them up til now) and my love for The Wombats has resulted in me buying tickets to their tour in January, waheyyy.

I’ve fallen in love again with reading. Not that I ever fell out of love with it per se, but this year I’m head-over-heels for it. I’ve been reading a lot of classic literature this year, partly in preparation for uni next year but also just for fun, and I’ve found some of my fav books from doing so. I’m writing this post on 29th December so we’ve just celebrated Christmas – I was given 3 books as gifts, and then with some of the money I was given I’ve ordered 12 more from World of Books. 12. In hindsight maybe that’s a little bit ridiculous but I’m also SO excited to read them all. Another thing I’ve loved this year is buying books second-hand (I wrote a post about why you should buy pre-loved books which you can read by clicking here); there’s something thrilling in walking into a charity shop not knowing what you’re going to find, then coming out with 3 or 4 books you’ve been looking for for a while.

I’ve loved not having exams this year. I had mocks in July which I found slightly stressful (more due to their timing than for the actual exams, as I had various open days and holidays and not a lot of time to revise). Next year a lot of my focus is going to be on doing well in my A Levels, but this year, it’s been such a relief to not have to be revising intensely. I feel like I really needed a less-pressured year than GCSE year.

On a lighter note – TV! I’ve loved The Apprentice and The Great British Bake Off and I’ve watched some amazing films this year too; Paddington 2 was great and Mamma Mia Here We Go Again was incredible. Some of these films were watched with my friends – we had a cancelled alpaca trek so decided to go to the York cinema, then the film we wanted to watch was cancelled so we ended up on The Spy Who Dumped Me, which turned out to be fab. Mamma Mia 2 was also iconic; picture two rows of 17 year olds all bopping along and singing all the lyrics…amazing.

The long, frickin’ hot summer we had. I. N. C. R. E. D. I. B. L. E. It was 37°c whilst I was in Berlin – not good news, being a ginger. Saying that though, I love the heat and sun so I was flourishing in summer.

What I’ve learned in 2018

“I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth. I hold myself extremely blest – blest beyond what language can express.” – Jane Eyre

This year I’ve concentrated on self-growth a lot. I’m seeing life as one big lesson, an experience which you can learn from and ultimately which will make you a better, more developed (and maybe more wise?!) person. I read somewhere that you should “fill your life with love” and I’ve decided, that’s going to be my motto for 2019. What else should you live for? Life is so short so we all really need to live for our loves. Mindset = everything. Let’s stay positive.

I’ve learned that worrying gets you nowhere helpful. In fact, it makes you suffer twice, in the words of Newt Scamander. I need to live life fully, embrace it and stop worrying because… I can’t think of any other (non-cringey) way to put this, I’m so sorry…YOLO. You only live once, so what’s the point in wasting time worrying?

You can be unapologetically yourself and you should be comfortable with that. It’s hard sometimes, but your friends and family should know the real you and not some version or facade that you feel you have to project. Be y o u, and be confident being you.

There’s a silver living to every black cloud. If something bad or unwanted happens, it’s to make room for a desired, positive thing.

Finally, I’ve learned that whenever I fall completely head over heels for a musician or band, they’ll always, always be on tour, meaning that I can’t get tickets to see them. It’s a nightmare guys, honestly.

What I’ve done in 2018

I’ve done a lot – I’m 80% sure on the night before I publish this post I’ll be frantically adding all the experiences I’ve forgotten to include.

Academics first. I sent off my UCAS Application to 5 universities. I received an interview offer from the University of Cambridge, and got offers from the other 4 unis too (buzzing!!!). I went on a road trip around Warwickshire and Herefordshire. I visited Shakespeare’s house. I saw a play at the Royal Shakespeare Company (The Fantastic Follies of Mrs Rich). I visited Amsterdam again. I also had a fab time in Den Haag, exploring a city that was completely new to me. I went to Spain. I made it onto Spanish TV (it’s only a glimpse but hey, it counts!). I explored Berlin, another city I’ve never visited before and, like with Den Haag, one I completely fell in love with. I was nominated for the UK Blog Awards *screeeeeams*. I’ve read some amazing books, and I’ve watched some incredible films. I’ve had my heart broken a lil bit, but I’ve also had some of the best times with my friends and family.

What I’ve become in 2018

I like to think that I’ve always been quite a calm, laidback kind of person but this year I’ve become more chilled. I’m trying not to base my moods on other people’s actions – for example, getting annoyed when people leave me on read lol – which used to really affect my mood. I’ve become more content with independence. I think I’ve become more time efficient?! I know now that you don’t have to be revising for every waking minute of the day, and that the key to maximising my time is getting rid of distractions and really focusing for shorter periods of time.

I think I’ve become stronger in terms of my fears. They have much much less control over me than they used to, and I’m so inexpressibly proud of myself for that.

My goals for 2019

  • Change the way I procrastinate – you might look at this and think “whatttt??? She’s encouraging procrastination?!” And yeah, I am in a way. It’d be unrealistic of me to say I want to stop procrastinating because we all know that that is literally never going to happen. Instead, I want to change what I do when I procrastinate. Normally, I’d just flick over social media for hours. In 2019, I want to do something productive but fun and relaxing, such as painting or writing.
  • Run more often – this isn’t going to be a hard resolution to complete, because I only run about once in every 6 months lol. I want to become fitter and I have no excuse not to run – and I bought some Grace Fit resistance bands so even if I don’t want to run, I’ll have something to do at home!
  • Keep up with my bullet journal

Thank you to my family for everything we’ve done this year, all the places we’ve visited and all the fun times. Thank you to E, B, M, G and D for being some of the best friends. I’m excited for our holiday next year (lol if we ever get one booked!!! C’mon guys!) Thanks to S for putting up with my existential dilemmas and constantly giving me life advice. Thank you M for always cheering me up, for providing mathematical memes I don’t have a chance of understanding and for always insulting my choice of subject. Thanks B for a great year and please, let’s do what we said. To A, thanks for being an excellent form buddy. Thank you to Z, A and N as well, for being amazing friends and people. You all constantly crack me up.

None of my friends or family know about my blog but sooner or later they’ll find it. And when they do, I’d like them to realise how much of an impact they’ve all had on my life. I love them and I’m so grateful.

Happy New Year!

Book Gift Guide

If you’re starting to panic about Christmas presents – or, more accurately, lack of – don’t worry! I’ve compiled a few of my personal recommendations for some of the people in your life…

For the amateur detective:

A classic, but definitely worth the read! Every page brings a new turn to the story and the ending is still unexpected. This is the sort of book that you could easily tear through if you had a few (blissful) hours to yourself. And, maybe this is superficial but I still think it’s important 😉, you can get copies with beautiful covers!

For the feminist/dystopian fan:

If you (or someone you know) enjoyed The Handmaid’s Tale, you’ll love this. The world has been flipped upside down; women discover they have the ultimate power and are able to hurt, even kill, men with a flick of the fingers. A fast-paced, gripping novel, this is sure to go down well as a Christmas present.

For the “I-don’t-read-fiction” friend:

I’m going to be studying English literature and linguistics at uni hopefully, so this was a really interesting read for me. Even if you have no knowledge of linguistics or no plans to study it in future, you’ll enjoy this. Linguistics probably isn’t the first choice of non-fiction for many readers but as language is crucial to everyday life, the topic is intriguing and I guarantee readers will be hooked.

For the young adult:

This is probably in the top 10 books I’ve read in 2018. Being set in a high school makes it all the more appealing; McManus so accurately depicts the different cliques in high schools. It genuinely feels like you could be living in the story. I love how the narration is from different viewpoints as well – you truly get to know the characters (and yet, you also don’t know who to believe!)

For the traveller:

“Us” follows the holiday of a scientist, an artist and their son, an attempt to save their failing family. If you love travel and art, you’ll enjoy this. Several famous galleries and landmarks feature, along with the adventures of each character – for a lighthearted read for anyone, I’d recommend.

For the teenage comedian:

An oldie but a goldie. Need I say more? Everyone loves Adrian Mole and his teenage struggles – a fabuloso Christmas gift, if you ask me 😉

Thanks to my friend for the inspo to write this post 😉 if you buy any of the books I’ve recommended (for yourself or for someone else) let me know what you think!

state of mind

– photos from pinterest –

I’ve been musing a lot lately. Partly as a form of procrastination, but partly because I feel like I’m on the brink of a new start and I’m just waiting for it to happen.

These last few weeks, I’ve been focusing on trying to maintain a positive attitude at all times. Not just for my own benefit but for everyone who surrounds me, because we all need a little more happiness in our lives. Instead of sending typical snapchat streaks (yesss, I still have them, I don’t know if they’re still cool or not?!) of a black screen and ‘streaks’ written across, I’ve been sending my pals fun messages in the mornings. Motivational even, as some of them have said 😉 I’m feeling really motivated for life in general at the moment, and I really want to share that with other people. I find, when I’m feeling down, even a simple reminder that I’m loved, or that I can do something, helps me a lot so I’m trying to reciprocate that with others.

In time for the new year I’m trying to instil some habits on my life which I think the moodboard at the top of this post quite accurately summarises. I’m trying to set up a sense of calm before the chaos of next year by being present at all times, and really focusing on the here and now. I want to make sure I have a lot of fun in between revising for the dreaded e*ams, so next year I’m trying bullet journalling. As well as being a hobby, I’m hoping having a journal will motivate me and organise me (a win-win situation for everyone hehe).

I just feel like I’m in limbo at the moment – I’m working towards a goal that at the moment I’m 8 months away from knowing if I’ve achieved or not. Whilst I am trying to focus on the present enjoy every single moment of sixth form since it’s my last year of formal education, it’s hard, despite me being the most content at school I think I’ve ever been. In summer I have so many things to look forward to – seemingly endless time, travels with pals (hopefully!), days out to various cities. I want to learn about natural history and visit lots of museums and art galleries and stare into space looking at constellations but at the moment I just don’t have time. And I desperately want time. 17 isn’t going to last for ever and I want to feel like I truly made the most of it. Because then it’s 18, and that’s when the tough adult shiz starts. Everything seems to be in preparation for university – I keep saying things to myself like ‘oh, when I’m at uni I’ll join the gym’ (you guys need to hold me to that!!). It just feels odd to be working towards something so far in the distance but which is in reality not that long away.

This definitely has not been one of my most eloquent posts but I just wanted to put down my thoughts. I seem to be stuck in-between two phases of my life, not that that’s necessarily a bad place to be stuck: I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.