in limbo

I was talking to one of my best friends about the strangeness of the period of time between the end of Sixth Form and the beginning of uni, and that conversation made me realise how displaced I feel at the moment. Partly it’s due to waiting sooo long for summer, and now it’s here it feels kind of underwhelming – although I’ll explain that later. I feel as though I’m just waiting now for the next stage; Results Day and uni.

Towards the end of A Levels, the thought of 4 months off education seemed like such a fab reward for all of the stress and effort over the last few years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying summer and trying to make the most of it, but it just feels so temporary, and regardless of what I’m doing or who I’m with, there’s always the slight worry about the future. I can’t stop thinking about how transient this period is and how quickly it’ll be over, which often then initiates an existential crisis as I’m not focusing on the things I want to do – instead, I’m thinking about the future.

As well, I genuinely don’t know what grades I’ll have got in my exams. Sometimes after an exam, you know for certain that it went really well – none of mine did. They were all good but I don’t feel like any of them were outstanding. In my head, at the end of September I’ll be starting at the University of York, but even that is possibly not going to happen. It feels like I’m just waiting for something, but I’m not even sure what that something is because, until Results Day, I have no firm idea of where I’m going to be spending the next 3 years of my life.

As I mentioned before, summer has been underwhelming in some aspects so far. After the initial novelty, I realised I needed a job quite desperately to be able to afford any of the things I have planned with my friends. But even when I’m with my friends, it’s like there’s an egg-timer constantly running in the background. I’m also in a transitional stage avec boys and relationships and all that fun stuff. I really like someone but I’m not sure what his intentions are – I don’t know whether he wants a full-on relationship or just a bit of fun over summer, y’know (that sounds so gross and crude and cringey, but hopefully you get my point!)

I think I’ve outgrown my house and definitely I’ve outgrown my town. I’ve lived here for 18 years now and I’m ready for a change, but equally that change is going to signify the beginning of The Rest Of My Life and that’s a scary (but somewhat welcome and relieving) thought.

I don’t really know what I’m getting at by writing this post. I feel really lost. I don’t even really enjoy writing at the moment, hence the lack of blog posts. I just feel like I’m kind of -existing- and that’s it. I’m just waiting for the next chapter to start. I am having fun, but also it feels artificial in a way, kind of forced – it’s just a way of killing time before uni. Writing that last sentence is such a depressing thought but that’s honestly how it feels – I’m just in limbo, waiting for Results Day, really.