in limbo

I was talking to one of my best friends about the strangeness of the period of time between the end of Sixth Form and the beginning of uni, and that conversation made me realise how displaced I feel at the moment. Partly it’s due to waiting sooo long for summer, and now it’s here it feels kind of underwhelming – although I’ll explain that later. I feel as though I’m just waiting now for the next stage; Results Day and uni.

Towards the end of A Levels, the thought of 4 months off education seemed like such a fab reward for all of the stress and effort over the last few years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying summer and trying to make the most of it, but it just feels so temporary, and regardless of what I’m doing or who I’m with, there’s always the slight worry about the future. I can’t stop thinking about how transient this period is and how quickly it’ll be over, which often then initiates an existential crisis as I’m not focusing on the things I want to do – instead, I’m thinking about the future.

As well, I genuinely don’t know what grades I’ll have got in my exams. Sometimes after an exam, you know for certain that it went really well – none of mine did. They were all good but I don’t feel like any of them were outstanding. In my head, at the end of September I’ll be starting at the University of York, but even that is possibly not going to happen. It feels like I’m just waiting for something, but I’m not even sure what that something is because, until Results Day, I have no firm idea of where I’m going to be spending the next 3 years of my life.

As I mentioned before, summer has been underwhelming in some aspects so far. After the initial novelty, I realised I needed a job quite desperately to be able to afford any of the things I have planned with my friends. But even when I’m with my friends, it’s like there’s an egg-timer constantly running in the background. I’m also in a transitional stage avec boys and relationships and all that fun stuff. I really like someone but I’m not sure what his intentions are – I don’t know whether he wants a full-on relationship or just a bit of fun over summer, y’know (that sounds so gross and crude and cringey, but hopefully you get my point!)

I think I’ve outgrown my house and definitely I’ve outgrown my town. I’ve lived here for 18 years now and I’m ready for a change, but equally that change is going to signify the beginning of The Rest Of My Life and that’s a scary (but somewhat welcome and relieving) thought.

I don’t really know what I’m getting at by writing this post. I feel really lost. I don’t even really enjoy writing at the moment, hence the lack of blog posts. I just feel like I’m kind of -existing- and that’s it. I’m just waiting for the next chapter to start. I am having fun, but also it feels artificial in a way, kind of forced – it’s just a way of killing time before uni. Writing that last sentence is such a depressing thought but that’s honestly how it feels – I’m just in limbo, waiting for Results Day, really.

2 thoughts on “in limbo

  1. Cara I totally get everything in this post. None of my exams went outstandingly and so I honestly don’t know what I got in my results. It’s either I’m moving to Bristol or I’m going to Scotland which to me is just slightly mad and I don’t think I quite let that sink in. Summer for me has been slightly overwhelming in that the past two days have been spent doing nothing which is the first time since exams finished (and this time is definitely needed). I feel you about the boy thing, like really feel you. I know I’m going to get attached and it’s like… okay so… you only have two months left. There’s all about going with the flow but feelings are not conducive with that. I think the notion of summer being underwhelming can be prevented by the little things. My friend and I went on a walk that I’ve never been on before last week where I live and it made me realise that I’m going (hopefully) to uni in 2 months and yet I still don’t reallyyy know everything about my hometown at all. This period of feeling lost is normal I think, especially as we put so much focus into exams, that focus has somewhat dissipated. I hope your summer is looking up but remember, these feelings are normal xxx

    eleanorclaudie.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply! That’s a terrifying prospect – at least for me, it’s either York or Nottingham and neither are too far away, but Scotland is miiiiles away for you! I completely agree with you about the little things – I went for an ice cream by the river the other day and it was so beautiful, and I think maybe I’ll miss my town a little bit. How was Vienna? Are you back home yet? Hope the rest of summer is fab xx

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